One of my friends used the word morose to describe me and she was dead serious about it. That was in 2017 on a cold winter day and we were walking alongside a stream in the woods where we used to go.

I might have been depressed then. Who knows? I don’t keep track, I just let it flow. But this word has been stuck in my mind — morose — the word is definitive and cutting. I wasn’t just sad, I was morose.

I was a little offended. It made me pause and have a look at myself. A reality check, perhaps. …

The only article I wrote on childhood trauma had an increase in readings during the holidays. I was curious. I went into stats and found that the most reads were on the 26th of December — the day after everyone connects with their family.

Most people have at least some emotional wounding related to their childhood homes and the holidays bring up these buried feelings. I, too, have mine.

I have studied trauma, lived trauma, and tried to support others who are healing from their own trauma.

However, more than any theory, it is experience that has the potential to heal us. We can know the theoretical ins and outs of our experience but struggle to practically change anything about the way our bodies and minds react to the external world. …

My heart is already broken
even before you can break it
that is why I have no fear
when reaching towards love

Since I was about fourteen years old it started dawning on me that human affection and regard are unreliable. I set out with so much faith and I only have a little left now. Even those closest to me showed me that love stops where their comfort zone and the limit of understanding ended. That is it.

And people are incredibly petty in their mindsets.

People can claim to love you for decades and it can be revealed that their version of ‘love’ is not love at all. Sometimes, you really don’t know who you are with until a situation arises where you see another side to the person. If the said situation never occurs, then you can continue to believe in the fantasy of love. …

I want you to feel as if the stars have come closer
that you might just be able to steal one
to take home with you in your pocket

I want you to feel that the moon is a little brighter
that it might be pulling you
a little closer

I want your steps to feel lighter
that you might feel like clicking your heels together
maybe even twirl on your way home

I want you to feel a little dizzy
as if you are the designated receiver
of secrets from the universe

I want you to feel that your vulnerability is welcome
that the wind is holding you protected
you will feel a little…

When I first read Gender Trouble by the feminist philosopher Judith Butler and came across the concept of “performativity”, I felt years of oppressive aloneness fall away. I felt that someone described what I have been trying to put into words for a lifetime. I felt validated.

But this is a personal story about my experience of gender and the question that begs to be asked is “Am I a woman?”

If I have to label myself, I get confused. I want to make a category called gender-confused and place myself there.

What is wrong with me is that I want to identify with the species of people called “women” even as I repeatedly fall short of the category’s ideals. If I am not wrong, a lot of the so-called cis women are struggling with the expectations placed upon them as well. …